Last night, I stumbled upon “Bride Wars” on TV.
Having seen the trailer, I (like many) was under the impression it would be a charming comedy about two friends battling over their weddings which (whoops!) were both scheduled for the same day. I assumed there would be chuckles, and hugs, and all would be sparkly well in the end and our two brides would wind up happy and stylish. The end.
So, I’m not sure what the heck happened, but this movie was … crap. Seriously.
Fortunately, across town, Bob had also gotten sucked into watching it, and we text-heckled the movie in real time.
The plot (what there was of one) centers on two friends – Emma (Anne Hathaway) and Liv (Kate Hudson.) Emma is a nebbish teacher and Liv is a ballsy lawyer. Both of them have longterm boyfriends. When Emma’s fiancee proposes unexpectedly, Liv pushes her fiancee to propose to her, which he was apparently going to do that very night (a Hollywood miracle!) The girls plan to be each others maids of honor, but their weddings are GASP! Booked on the same day at the Plaza, which is the only venue either of them will consider getting married at. Of course, a battle begins. Liv sabotages Emma’s spray-tan, Emma sabotages Liv’s hair appointment. Blah blah blah, they realize they’re both sad to have lost their best friend, have a giant fight, and …tada! It ends with a wedding.
First, let me say that I forgive Anne Hathaway for taking part in the movie. She’s one of the most endearing screen stars out there, and so much more talented than her whiny, hare-brained role in this movie showcased. Also, her strip club number was just.. embarassing to watch. No offense, Annie, who has proven she can in fact sing and dance, but whoever choreographed that thing… geez.
Second, let me say that watching Kate Hudson onscreen is like choosing to listen to fingernails on a blackboard. I know she’s Goldie Hawn’s daughter, but she’s missing all her mother’s charm. And why does her pushy loudmouth character sleep in cats eye eyeliner? ….And, I don’t think anyone is naive enough to buy that she was ever a fat girl. Hearing her lament that she gained five pounds and can’t fit in her Vera Wang wedding dress while she’s standing there in her underwear with her washboard abs showcased was ridiculous.
(Meanwhile, as a former fat girl… Let me say that any girl who used to be fat and has managed to get herself into the shape Kate Hudson is in is NOT going to eat fifteen cookie buckets and .. a stick of butter?… when her wedding is 3 months away. Think about it. You know she counts calories like a mofo.)
Third, I certainly hope Candace Bergen and Kristen Johnson were paid highly for participating. Since they were wasted in stupid roles. (Bergen, as the weddding planner to beat all wedding planners, narrates the movie.. for some reason..?)
This movie’s central premise seems to be that all women care about is their weddings. It’s the most important thing in their lives, and they will stab their best friends in the back to make their day perfect. Because all women are shrews, and haha! all men are hapless and are pushovers. (Or are making comments about how men should “control their wives.” In which case, you’re supposed to know that he’s a bad guy – even though, honestly, by that point in the movie I wanted her to shut the hell up, too!)
Maybe if the only way you’ll be happy with your wedding is if it’s at The Plaza, you should re-think your plans.
I’m sad to say I watched the whole movie, hoping for something… worthwhile.
And there was nothing.
It was terrible.
However, “Made of Honor” was still worse…